But when she asks, she must believe and not doubt, because she who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind. The woman should not think she will receive anything from the Lord; she is a double-minded woman, unstable in all she does.
James 1:6-8
Last week Gwen was sick with a virus we had never heard of before. She had fever for five days straight, and among other symptoms, painful sores in her mouth. She was almost unable to eat anything for the better part of three days. The doctor told us that day 4 of the sores would be the worst and it was. She drank only a couple of glasses of milk. She was miserable. By the time night rolled around, she was so deeply uncomfortable and discouraged that she started to groan.
I was working on the other side of the house and heard these lamenting sounds. I got up to see what it was and went to her room and she looked like she was asleep. Then I went back to work, and a couple of minutes later, I heard it again. This time when I went back, I saw her turning and spoke to her. She was just so miserable.
I pray a lot – every day – but one thing I rarely do, and haven’t done for years, is to pray with Gwen. Just at that moment, I felt I should pray with her and, as intimate as our relationship is, it still took a good measure of courage to open my mouth and pray. I started out slowly, “Heavenly Father…” and as I prayed I realized that because of the import and rarity of this prayer, Gwen would full faith it in. That gave me pause. Do I pray for her healing? What if she is not better in the morning? If God doesn’t answer the prayer, Gwen might begin to doubt the power of prayer. Maybe I should pray a safe prayer. But I didn’t. I prayed a bold prayer that the Creator of that virus might wipe it clean from her system.
She turned over to sleep and for the most part had a restful night. I went back to work, my mind wrestling with doubt. I prayed for God to forgive my doubt and fill me with childlike faith. These verses from James came to mind – I understand the damage that doubt does. It makes me unstable in all that I do.
Gwen’s fever broke that night. But would it have done so anyway? Father, forgive my doubt.
